pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride

lately in my life...i have been gaining a lot more responsibility.
not really at my house...i am actually losing responsibility here, which is really weird.
it's just like.....i've lost almost all sense of what home is.
as you get older, and it grows very close to the time when you are supposed to leave home, and become independent, make a name for yourself and what have you, you can really start to lose the sense of home.
when im here at my house, it doesn't really feel right.
not like it once did.
im barely ever here...and when i am, it's like, im so detached from all the things i was once so attached to.
it's strange. kind of eerie.
i feel ready to leave, and make a new home somewhere else, but im taking classes and everything, and i can't leave yet, so it makes things difficult.
i feel like im supposed to leave right now, but i cant leave yet.
and that's what is the hardest.

im slightly terrified that until i am married, i won't have the sense of home that i have had all my life.
i don't want to feel like this until then.

so many choices are ahead of me...so so so close.
what am i supposed to do with my life?
how am i supposed to do it?
when will it all start?
is it already started?

the other day something really strange happened to me.
i have never honestly wanted to be dead.
i have always had hope for something better even when i am discouraged.
but the other day....it was freaky.
i was thinking "if i was dead, i wouldn't have to deal with all this"
not...not in an "emo" way, or in a truly depressed way, but just...being dead, i wouldn't have to deal with anything, or make any more decisions.
and that's scary....even it's appealing aspects.
just that i even thought that made me feel weird.


" 'cause I'm on the brink of something beautiful
And I want to sing about it
But I don't know where to begin"