incomplete

demolition

2008-12-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

"The warfare is not against sin; we can never fight sin: Jesus Christ deals with sin in Redemption. The conflict is along the line of turning our natural life into a spiritual life, and this is never done easily, nor does God intend it to be done easily. It is done only by a series of moral choices.....These choices are continually in antagonism to the entrenchments of our natural life, the things which erect themselves as ramparts against the knowledge of God. We can either go back and make ourselves of no account in the Kingdom of God, or we can determinedly demolish these things and let Jesus bring another son to glory."
-Oswald Chambers

i want to ride my bicycle, i want to ride my bike

2008-12-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

I went on an 8 mile bike ride along the beach...it was super awesome.
i want to do that every day.
it was beautiful outside.
i could have kept on going all day.
The wind in my hair, the sun in my eyes, the ocean by my side...
it was perfect.

so hood.

2008-10-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

It's been over a month...But here I am, nonetheless. Better late than never, right?

I was tagged, and had to receive a comment telling me to respond, and then even after that had to receive a verbal nag on the phone...So here it goes.
I have to write 6 things about myself.

1. I really like getting stuff done. The best days for me are the ones where I wake up and then everything that happens during the day are things I need to get done. For instance - washing/cleaning out my car, updating my iPod, blogging, surfing, working out, organizing things...I love productive days. At the end of them I just feel so...productive.

2. I hate "applications" on Facebook and now unfortunately on Myspace as well. I think they are all really dumb, pointless and very annoying. When I get invitations to be people's "beautiful friend" or to buy and sell my friends, it just really annoys me and makes me think a little less of the sender. Only on Facebook though, not in real life.

3. One of my absolute favorite things to do is to update my iPod. I like making everything perfect, making sure all the artwork is correct and present, and I most of all love spending about an hour looking for new music on iTunes. Music is a huge part of my life so I love dedicating time to it.

4. Sometimes I get urges to yell and be crazy and throw stuff. Not because I'm really enraged or anything, but sometimes I just want to act like it about really insignificant things to make myself and others around me laugh. At work the other day, I was asked to do something really simple that would only take about 30 seconds, and I had a huge block of cheese in my hand...I pretended to get really mad, said some angry expletives, and then pretended like I was going to throw the block to the ground in a fit of rage. I didn't of course, and I did all that so only one of my co-workers could see it...But it was really hilarious, and sometimes I wish I could be that crazy. If for no other reason than to entertain (my co-worker almost fell to the ground laughing and we still joke about it to this day).

5. I really hate B-Movies. I'm sorry. No, they are not entertaining, no, they are not well made, and no, the plots are NOT original or well thought out. Not to mention the acting is ATROCIOUS. I consider myself somewhat of a movie connoisseur.
I do like watching well made, entertaining movies with good acting. Not cheesy B-flick horrors with Hershey syrup blood pouring out of people's necks after their head was bit off by a giant rat zombie. Or sometimes worse, cheesy rom-coms where the heart-wrenching scene is really a stomach-wrenching scene. I guess I should also mention here that I am not a fan of science fiction. Nope.

6. Last but not least, I am a huge fan of old music. I grew up listening to music from the 50's, 60's and 70's and some stuff from the 80's. I love the Beatles, The Beach Boys, Bob Marley, The Scorpions, Foreigner, Frankie Valli, Otis Redding, The Bee Gees...Just all the old good music. I occasionally like my music cheesy, but never my movies.

I am not going to tag anyone, because the only people I know who blog that I keep up with and know personally that read my blog are Iv, OC and Lis...and they were all already tagged. So there you go.

long time gone

2008-09-09T22:38:00.000-07:00

After quite a long absence from blogging, I am back. Since I last blogged (almost 2 months ago! yikes!) I have been enjoying the last fleeting moments of summer, making new friends, and enjoying my now not-so-new job at New Leaf Market in Felton.
One somewhat exciting thing that happened to me this last week was that I cut my thumb open while chopping onions at work. I have never cut myself so bad! I almost cut the tip of my thumb completely off. I was very flustered when it happened because there was a lot of blood and I was at work so I wasn't sure how to handle it. Luckily a co-worker (Candice) walked me to the backroom, set me up with a bag of cayenne pepper (which apparently stops the bleeding...on small cuts and scrapes - but I don't think they realized how bad my injury was) and a towel. Michelle, my friend in Produce was back there getting some broccoli ready and so she saw how distressed I was and told me stories and interesting facts to keep my mind and eyes off of the injury. Candice got all my first aid needs (ice, towel, band-aid [she really didn't understand how bad it was], etc) and Mark just stood there looking helpless, and tried thinking of anything he could do to help. So after about 15 minutes of non-stop bleeding and pain and filling the bag of cayenne with my blood, we got the Vitamin/Health Specialist Richard to come check it out, and he took one look and said "Woah, go have them stitch it up...That's why we have insurance!" So we called my manager and she said to go to Doctors on Duty, Mark was nominated to drive me, so we clocked out and headed there. Long story short, got a shot to numb the area which hurt like no other and then got 3 stitches in my thumb. Here are a couple of pictures from my cell phone so the quality isn't so great, but you get the basic idea.

that's my thumb in a bag of cayenne and blood, inside a gnarly bag of ice.

that's my thumb before the operation. ouch!

and after. 3 stitches! First time in my life.
Pretty exciting, huh?

The Dark Knight

2008-07-18T12:50:00.001-07:00

I know, I know...I haven't blogged in a very long time. I have been pretty busy, and I've had a hard time thinking of things to blog about. But last night (or very early this morning, rather) I was inspired.
I saw the new Batman movie, "The Dark Knight" at the midnight premiere. It was completely amazing. This was, in my opinion, the best movie of the year, and overall one of the best movies I have ever seen. The performance, the plot, the acting, the delivery...Everything was perfect.
I do want to make a point to give credit where credit is due. Heath Ledger truly outdid himself in his final role as the Joker. It was one of the best performances I have ever seen, and it is tragic that he is not here anymore to get the acclaim he deserves for such a delivery. I hope this is how he is remembered, as a truly talented and gifted actor. The casting in the hands of anyone less capable would have been criminal. He was the perfect fit for this role, and he just did so well. I can't even stress how well he portrayed the Joker.
Christopher Nolan really did well on this film, as he has in the past with his others (Batman Begins, The Prestige, Memento) and makes you really think about the moral ethics in the movie, the state of man, and how everyone is capable of the greatest evil, even if they are the "good guy". It's a breath of fresh air compared to the Hollywood code of ethics, where "good" is good, "bad" is bad, and the two hardly ever mix, and no lines are crossed. I really appreciated the deeper philosophies this movie presented, it actually makes you think.
Anyway, I think every person needs to see this. It was outstanding.

self-discovery of some kind

2008-06-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have been discovering things about myself lately. I want to just make a quick list, which some explanations.
-I hate downtown Santa Cruz. I used to love it when I was younger, and I even liked it last year, but now if I have to go down there, I just dread it, and avoid it until I absolutely have to.
-I like to micromanage things. Not people, really, although I can be really bossy sometimes, but things, and situations...I just like everything to be set right, and for things to be the way they are supposed to be.
-I hate clutter. I feel that when my life is cluttered, whether it be physically or emotionally, I get really depressed and apathetic. In the last week my room went from being a storage facility for a family member back to MY room, I rearranged almost everything, and got a new bed. I feel so refreshed, and happy. I have a more positive outlook on life. It may also be because my best friend got back from being in South America for 5 months, but they happened simultaneously, so I guess there's no way to be sure...
-I'm very very organized. I think this can come back to the micromanagement. I love to make lists, I love everything to be perfect. I'm very detail oriented.

The truth is, I haven't blogged in about 2 weeks, and I needed something to write about, and I have doing a lot of self-analyzing the last week or two, so I figured I could put it to good use.

Better with age

2008-05-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

Something that has recently seemed really weird to me is getting mistaken for another age. When I was younger, 12-16, people ALWAYS, always always always thought I was older. Sometimes astronomically older. Like one time when I was 12 or maybe 13, someone guessed that I was 21 or 22. Things like that were always happening to me in my adolescence. I was never mistaken for being younger, and barely anyone guessed my age. In fact I don't even know if they ever DID guess it right. It was always older. Even when I would go out with friends who were a lot older, like 18-20 years old, people would ask if I was their older sister!! Maybe it was because I have always been tall...I don't know. Either way, I have been really weirded out lately because when I was 17, the numbers started to round out, people usually guessed 17-19 and maybe even the occasional 20, but were a lot more on the money. But ever since I've turned 18, almost every person who has made any reference to my age has thought that I was YOUNGER than 18!! One instance was at work I was getting cigarettes for a customer out of the cigarette locker, and one of the cashiers came up and said "you can't open that unless you are 18" and I was like "I am 18" and they were like "really? I didn't think you were". Also someone recently told me "you do NOT look 18"...So it has just been a very weird transition, now I have to defend how OLD I really am, not how YOUNG I really was.

ALSO, here is a video of me singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen at my Cabrillo voice final. I know you can't see anything. It was dark. But you only need to listen, so it should be fine. :)
Also, sorry for missing a week :(
...Yikes, so many smiley faces...yikes.

A day late

2008-05-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

The title of one of my favorite songs, and also the truth about my blogging. I did miss a day...
Recently I became a member of Costco. So far, it has been one of the coolest things I have done since turning 18. I really like Costco a LOT, I have spent a lot of time there in my life, and it holds quite a few good memories.
Hopefully there will be more exciting things that I do now that I am 18...But for now, that has been one of the highlights.

2008-04-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was feeling really bummed about the astronomically high gas prices (almost 4.00 a gallon in SC, and at some gas stations it is at least that much) and a thought went through my head - "why don't they make cars that run on water or something?" so I looked it up. Here is just one video about one guy who is onto using water as an energy source.

also, here is the link to the website on how to convert your car so that is runs partially on water, and also has a few other videos on using water as an energy source to charge cell phones, iPods, even laptops.
I find this incredible. I stopped buying gas from companies that purchase oil from Middle Eastern countries a few months ago, and started only buying from domestic oil companies, but this seems like the best alternative. Not only would it make driving cheaper, but according to the website your car has cleaner emissions as well.
Of course oil companies are going to fight it with all they've got saying it won't work, and will never amount to anything, but isn't that what western union said about the telephone, and wasn't that also the response to automobiles in the first place?
I'm just saying, I think they're on to something.

I am 17, going on 18...

2008-04-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

In these last fleeting moments before I am officially 18...I am slightly terrified.
The last year has quite possibly been the best year of my life.
I gave up a lot and I gained a lot, too.
I wonder what this next year has in store for my life.
I'm excited and so scared all at once.
Tonight is a paradox.
Tomorrow it will be over.
There is no escaping it.
No escaping time.
I just...I love being 17.
I hope that 18 is just as good as 17.
...Actually, I hope it is BETTER.

I got a
baby's brain and an old man's heart
Took eighteen years to get this far
Don't always know what I'm talkin' about
Feels like I'm livin in the middle of doubt
Cause I'm
eighteen
and I don't know what I want
Eighteen
I just don't know what I want...

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

2008-04-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately that maybe I should be more consistent in my blogging.
It's hard for me to understand why anyone why anyone would be interested in what is going on with my life, or in what I think, but...Here goes nothing.
I make no promises on how consistent I will be, but I will try to post at least once a week.

Lately I have become seriously addicted to the TV show "24" with Keifer Sutherland. It's a show about a federal agent named Jack Bauer who works for CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit) in L.A., and each season represents one day in his life, 24 hours, in real time, where he has to save the world, basically. A lot of my friends have been watching it for quite some time (I think it's in the 8th season right now) so last year, i decided to see what all the fuss was about. I rented the entire 1st season disc by disc from the video store up the street (I don't have cable, and even if I did, what are the chances of catching it all on re-runs?) and now I see why everyone is obsessed. It is SO intense, and it totally drags you in, so if you watch one episode, you need to watch the rest of the season, or at least the next episode, in hopes that it won't leave you on the edge of your seat. While watching the first season, my mom came into my room on about the 10th episode, and got completely dragged in. Well, since there are 24 episodes per season, and 4 episodes per disc, meaning 6 discs per season and $4 per disc up the street, meaning $24 to watch a season (coincidence...maybe), I have been hesitant to rent the next season (also it is pretty dang time consuming), so I was STOKED to find the entire second season at the library!! For free!! Of course, my mom and I watched it in about a week, and I have already put the third season on hold from the Library.
Well, the whole point of this blog was for me to rave about the Library, but I guess I ended up raving about 24 more. Anyway, as it turns out the Library is awesome.
They have all kinds of other shows, and every season of 24 so far.

...Not to mention some awesome books.

we used to talk about girls who play guitar

2008-03-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

tonight i went out and ate some tasty cambodian food for dins.
i cut my lip on some ice. it hurt.

im so cold right now.
the weather today was so bipolar.
like...annoyingly so.
it's spring now (well, officially on the 21st..) and i think the weather should stay the way it has been before today (which has been perfect...)
mostly because now i can wear dresses and shorts and tank tops, and i don't usually need a jacket or tights or leggings or anything.

i had to get a drug test for my new job, and instead of urine, they do hair testing, so they had to cut 80 hairs from the crown of my head...and i can feel where they cut it, and it's really gross, because it feels like a shaved head. and now when it grows back it will look all awkward and stuff...bums.
for totes.
i miss...so much. so many.
i really miss brittani, david, nicole, and rhiannon...well, all the ropers. and lis and providence. <3
and all my napans. <3
and thompson, and little evelyn and big evelyn, and franklin (fire!) and teodo (acid!) and all my other african friends. <3
i want to go back to ghana so bad.
i read this guys blog who is living in ghana, and i was laughing so hard remembering all the things that i grew to love last summer.
im bummed we're not going this year.
thomas is. im jealous.
i should use my free flying and go there.

i was remembering like, junior high yesterday. it was super weird.
and freshman year.
yikes.

i don't know.
i don't really miss it, but i think it was fun.

not as fun as this last year in my life though.
i was also thinking this past week about how much fun i've had in the last year.
like....so much.
like valentines day...
and spring break in napa was just....so amazing. it was so fun.
even with getting my jones bumped, and weird living situations, and dogs running away, and hating feelings, and me and ernie being broken, all the epicness made up for it.
and summer....like visiting david, and everything months, and yosemite...and all the good things that happened.
fall brought hilarious math teachers and great surprises in the surprise room.
and winter...well, christmas night was one not to be forgotten...

im just being nostalgic or something.
but ivanna's goldfish are being cannibalistic and it's fuh-reaking me out.
and we're gonna watch a movie.
goodnight.

praise god from whom all blessings flow

2008-02-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

so, as it stands this second, i am planning to move back to santa cruz sooner than previously planned.

things here...haven't worked out the way i thought they were supposed to.

it's funny how life goes.
you think you know everything that is supposed to happen...and then...everything doesn't go the way it was 'supposed to'.
although i am going to have to change plans...life is going...wonderful in some ways.
in the best way possible.
reading my bible has always been a challenge for me...i just have never been able to consistently stay with it - reading it every day, that is. when i did read it, i loved it, but then...life would get in the way, and seduce me away from communicating with my creator. for some reason, when i came up here, i decided to read my bible. and for the last month i have read my bible every single day. it has been....too magnificent for words, honestly. i have read through john, 1+2 thessalonians, colossians, and some psalms. tonight i am starting a new book...i can't decide what to start. all of it seems so incredible, and intriguing...the life of Jesus is so amazing, and so inspiring, i love to learn more about him. but i also feel really drawn to the prophecies about him, because they all came true. and that to me is totally awesome. and i want to read them, and read the fulfillment of them.
i also love reading the old testament stories...i love paul's letters...i just...i love all of it. i don't want to skip a day. not one bit.

anyway, as my life is about to change again, i put all my trust in the only one i can trust.
the creator of an inspiring world with new wonders to behold each day.
im so excited.

pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride

2007-10-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

lately in my life...i have been gaining a lot more responsibility.
not really at my house...i am actually losing responsibility here, which is really weird.
it's just like.....i've lost almost all sense of what home is.
as you get older, and it grows very close to the time when you are supposed to leave home, and become independent, make a name for yourself and what have you, you can really start to lose the sense of home.
when im here at my house, it doesn't really feel right.
not like it once did.
im barely ever here...and when i am, it's like, im so detached from all the things i was once so attached to.
it's strange. kind of eerie.
i feel ready to leave, and make a new home somewhere else, but im taking classes and everything, and i can't leave yet, so it makes things difficult.
i feel like im supposed to leave right now, but i cant leave yet.
and that's what is the hardest.

im slightly terrified that until i am married, i won't have the sense of home that i have had all my life.
i don't want to feel like this until then.

so many choices are ahead of me...so so so close.
what am i supposed to do with my life?
how am i supposed to do it?
when will it all start?
is it already started?

the other day something really strange happened to me.
i have never honestly wanted to be dead.
i have always had hope for something better even when i am discouraged.
but the other day....it was freaky.
i was thinking "if i was dead, i wouldn't have to deal with all this"
not...not in an "emo" way, or in a truly depressed way, but just...being dead, i wouldn't have to deal with anything, or make any more decisions.
and that's scary....even it's appealing aspects.
just that i even thought that made me feel weird.

" 'cause I'm on the brink of something beautiful
And I want to sing about it
But I don't know where to begin"

i feel stuck watching history repeating

2007-09-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

what is life for?
life must be lived, that's all there is to it.
a good time to live is any time you can.
today is the gift you may wish you had back tomorrow.
so open your arms and take it all in.
this is YOUR moment, this is YOUR time for adventure, risk, and living.
truly, you will never have this opportunity again.
everything is a once in a lifetime experience.

a great quote:
"The tragedy of life is not so much what we suffer, but rather what we miss"
-Thomas Carlyle

im scared of what im missing because of my fear of feeling. or suffering.
but...ugh. which is worse?
missing it?

....yes.

2007-07-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

ghana was amazing.

for reasons unknown

2007-03-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

But my heart, it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don’t see you no more.
And my lips, they don’t kiss, they don’t kiss the way they used to
And my eyes don’t recognize you no more.

crawling towards the sun...

2007-01-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

i am so grateful for the growth/change that has been taking place in my life.

i owe it ALL to God.
everything.

just looking back at my journal entries, even from the last 3 weeks, i have grown so much.
i have been changed.
i have been molded.

the most beautiful thing to me is that i know there is still more growth and change in the future.

i knew it would be hard to even get this far...
i was in such a rut.
there was so much darkness....so much sadness....so much brokenness.

i prayed to God.
i prayed for him to crush me...
i needed to be rebuilt from the ground up.
i needed some pain.
i needed some perspective.
everything was perfectly timed and planned out by the maker of the universe.

and here i am today....still such a mess, but such a beautiful mess.
still, weak but...

"i will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. "

burning down bridges now [scatter the ashes]

2007-01-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

"so what was that night to you?"

"not exactly 'nothing', but close enough"

....ow.

broken

2006-12-16T21:23:00.000-08:00

recently i read the book 'brave new world' by aldous huxley. i really enjoyed it. it was a good read, interesting and all that. today as i stood in front of a burning fireplace i was thinking about how much my world is like that of the society in brave new world. it was weird because when i was actually reading it, it didn't register as being like my world simply because it is such an extreme. but when i really thought about it, they are so much alike it is really rather frightening. all i was thinking about was new shoes. i love new shoes. they are clean, pretty, perfect and make me feel happy. when shoes get old, they have less appeal to me usually. i still like them, but i don't love them as much as i did when they were brand new. i even looked at the new shoes on my feet and was sad that one day they too would be old. i then became a little disturbed. sure it's natural to love new things....but is it? i think that our society has been conditioned to love new things, and only want new things. i appreciate old, vintage things, or historical things, like old postcards that my deceased great-aunt left behind, but i must admit that new things are cooler to have, in a way.
anyway...all that to say that i think it's crazy how we are conditioned to be this way, to think certain things, and to act particularly. we think that being old is a hideous state, and offer surgeries, supplements, and programs so that we can prolong our youth for as long as possible. the elderly are viewed as ugly and useless, a burden to society, when it's the opposite, in my mind at least. i think we have a lot to learn and hear from the older people we know. i love hearing the wisdom and stories of people much older than me. society via the media puts a huge emphasis on young being the only way to be..."young hollywood" is a perfect example. everyone wants to know who paris is dating this week, which two teen queens are fighting, who was caught drunk driving, and what have you...it's ridiculous.
another thing that i have been thinking about is the abuse of medication and the like. let me just say that in most cases, like people with serious mental disorders like schizophrenia or anything that can cause dangerous reactions that harm others, i don't think there is anything wrong with taking medication. i mean i don't really think it's ever really "wrong" but i do think that a lot of the time it can be unnecessary. it seems like the whole point of taking medication is to make you "normal", but who decides what normal is? where can we produce the standard of normality, and why do we depend so wholly on it? why is it that talking to yourself is irregular? because society says so....but why? just because most people don't do it or something, but most people don't do it because it's not normal...i know that's circular reasoning, but that's what bothers me.
when you think about it, the way society tries to make everyone "perfect" (whatever that even means) is really just the world trying to reverse our fallen nature. because man sinned, we get old and fragile. because man sinned, people talk to themselves. because man sinned, the world is the way it is.
our world is trying to deny that fact and become autonomous.
you don't have to grow a baby inside you anymore....just do it in a tube.
you don't have to look old anymore....just botox yourself to oblivion.
you don't have to have curly hair anymore....just get it chemically relaxed.
you don't have to send a letter anymore....just have a robot send it via e-mail.

...i'm not saying these things are wrong. not at all. they are convenient and helpful for some.
some things save people's lives.
it's incredible.
but have we become too comfortable in the society we have created?
we think too much about being comfortable and safe that we start to forget that there is a whole world out there beyond our borders.

i think that our scientific advances really are amazing. i can't even comprehend being that intelligent.

all i'm wondering about society is this:

is it possible to get too comfortable?
is it possible to be too advanced?

i've made a lot of mistakes

2006-11-11T00:55:00.000-08:00

i made this a while ago, yet i'm feeling this way now.
gah.

"...i've made a lot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind..."

all i know...

2006-11-09T22:55:00.000-08:00

recently i have been listening to and reading blogs from a friend of mine.

it has sort of...i don't know.
just maybe discouraged me a little.

anyway, i wanted to get my thoughts out there, not only for others to read, agree, disagree, or glean from, but mostly for myself, just to really put them into words, and make it more concrete in my mind.

"we can't know anything" is what my friend is currently living his life based on.

i honestly don't know where to begin with my thoughts on this subject.
i guess by saying yes, we can know things.
we can know quite a lot, to be perfectly honest.
let me just set up a hypothetical situation.
i have just boiled some water for us to have some tea.
as i'm bringing the pot of scalding hot water over to the table, i stop and hold the kettle over your head.
i start to tip it.
now, anyone in their right mind would scream "STOP!" and jump out of their seat, so i'm guessing that you are going to do this.
you do this.
i say "what is it?"
you say "you were going to pour that hot water on my head".
there is my point.
in this particular instance, you have proven to know (at least) 2 things.

1) the laws of gravity. if i tip the pot over your head, you know it will pour out on you. if we didn't know anything, and nothing was for sure, how could we know that this would really happen? although you may have a memory, or some experience where gravity was working properly, how do you know that it will do the same now? there is no consistency. Since we can't know anything, and we can't trust our senses or recollections, why would you think that the water would fall on you?

2) water is hot, and it will burn you. once again, although you may have a faded memory or recollection of boiling water being hot, why would you think that it's going to be hot again? why wouldn't it be cold this time? why would it hurt you?

you would never let me pour the water on you.
because you know the water will be hot.

i have struggled with being able to know things...a lot actually. how can i really be sure that i am here, and that you are there, and that i am typing real words that are legible to others? Is everything subjective?
no, says i.
the only way i can know this is because of the beautiful consistency of our world.
there is almost always a reason to the rhyme.
when you put water over a flame, it gets hot....every time.
when you jump into a swimming pool, you are going to get wet....every time.
what goes up must come down....all the time.

all is in motion.......cause and effect.....

Don't claim you love me, cause you know that's not true

2006-10-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

...right now i just want to read my bible.
i just want to be close to God.
i want Him to be near to me, to hold me.

i am hurting for you, my friend...
my heart breaks at each thought of you.

I thought I heard him call, instead I heard nothing at all

2006-09-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

ughhhhhh

help

2006-08-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

hotel rwanda is an amazing movie.

the sad thing?
it's a true story.
it's not sad that paul rusesabagina saved the lives of 1200+ tutsi refugees.
not one bit.
that's the only redeeming fact here.
what i think is sad is that no one helped him.
america, france, belgium and various other countries knew about it and did nothing.
yeah, the U.N. was there but they hardly did anything to remedy the situation.
what was happening there made the evening news here.
WE DID NOTHING.
nothing.
that is so disgusting.
we sat by and watched this massive genocide go on.
we had the means to help them and save thousands of lives.
instead, we just said "oh my god....that's terrible" and went on eating our dinners.
we are a rich, powerful nation and we care more about who britney spears is marrying this week than we do about thousands of people dying.
and im not just talking about the rwandan crisis.
im taking about everywhere.
children starving. dying of aids and other diseases. drinking brown water. eating once a month. walking 10 miles every day to avoid being forced to become a rebel with a gun. families living under cardboard boxes and ripped tarps or garbage bags.
we are so wasteful.
so selfish.
so........uncaring.
i want to help.
i want to be less selfish.

i want to help.
im going to africa next summer.
to ghana, west africa.

how can you help?
help here.
or
help here.

no, i don't hate you....but right now, i just don't like you

2006-05-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

is this bitterness?

.....i think so....

you don't have to move, you don't have to speak

2006-04-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

"be human, be vulnrable, be real, be hurt, be rational, be flexible, learn, grow, move on. be human once again."

-stephen christian

it's...........hard.

i see him now with someone else, and as much as i want to move on....i feel like i can't move from this spot, i feel like my feet are glued to the ground where i stand.

he says the same things to her that he said to me.

all of the exact same things.

i thought i was special.
i thought the things he said were special.
i thought we were special.

and now i see.
now......i see.

my (our) bracelet fell off the other day.
it broke.
i made us both one.
he took his off long ago.
i kept mine on....just to keep the hope alive.
i hoped.
it broke.
i want to take that as some sort of sign, some sort of green light....something to give me a reason to get over him.
i am over him.
what i'm not over.....what i'm not over is us.

gah.

2006-03-07T21:37:00.000-08:00

no.

who i am hates who i've been

2006-03-07T13:52:00.000-08:00

on the car ride home today i was listening to the radio.
not unusual, considering music is like, my favorite thing.
well the song "who i am hates who i've been" by relient k came on.

i've heard it like 100 times.
i know all the words, backwords and forwards.

but
i had never really...and i mean really listened to it, and realized how deep it actually is.

everyday, "who i am" changes, and when i look back on "who i've been"....well...."who i am hates who i've been".

i hate the mistakes i've made, and the bad impressions i've left on people. i hate the hurt i've caused people, and i hate the things i've done that have taken away from who i could be.

buttttt...
i am constantly overwhelmed by the fact that God loves me. who i am and who i've been.
not to mention, who i will be.

every day i am someone new.
i'm the same person in a sense, but everyday i encounter different people and different situations, all making me grow, and giving me new experiences, making me somewhat of a new person. well, a different person. a changed person.

everyday i am given a new chance to be someone new.
someone better.
but not someone better for my sake.
someone better for God's sake.

praise God from whom all blessing flow...